If Only

I don’t know what your current “if only” is. When I get lazy, mine is about income right now. “If only things were so, my life would be such. If only”. We’re almost never without them. From the ridiculous, “If only I won the lottery” to the sublime, “If only I could lose ten pounds (or heck, I’d even take 2).”

Like I said, I can’t know what your “if only” is right now, but I have a smacking suspicion that it wouldn’t do nearly as much as you think, even if it did come to pass. Whether or not it does, I have an even more smacking suspicion that one day you’ll look back on your life, struggles and “if only”’s and all, and you’ll wonder why you didn’t enjoy it more. That's right, ENJOY it more.

It’s the gift of the struggle. Of course it can be tough. Of course you sometimes do without, and you are sometimes rife with disappointment. Those are the costs that make the journey worth remembering. The gift of the struggle is the satisfaction of knowing you had to fight to win.

Our situation right now (my wife and I) is tenuous. We are in between successes. We always seem to have enough but never know where it’s going to come from next. Making this next success has turned out to be a good twist more than I thought. No matter. It’s the gift of the struggle. I’m stretched in pursuit of a difficult but worthwhile thing. The outcome is uncertain, the risks are sobering, the complications are not diminishing. I feel stretched, tested, sometimes wanting, and also... fully alive.

And one day, I will wonder why I didn’t enjoy it more. Or maybe I'll start to see it that way now.